Relapsing Emotions

And Saul listened to the voice of Jonathan. Saul swore, “As the LORD lives, he shall not be put to death.” 1 Samuel 19:6

I once made up my mind that I was going to stop using opioids forever. I relapsed a day later. Then, I repeated the whole process several hundred times. I failed to realize that recovery was a process that I had to continually participate in, working at it every day. Because my drug use was an ingrained behavior – an addiction – I couldn’t just make up my mind one day that it was over. If I wanted my life to change, I had to make actual and radical changes. Though it’s not nearly as difficult now, I still work at my recovery every day. If I desire freedom from my addiction, I must make some daily effort to abandon my way for God’s

I find that it’s often the same with my emotions. If I’m resentful of someone who has hurt me, I can let it go, forgiving that person. But then, a few days later, I’ll find myself stewing over the same old injury, again indulging in my resentments. Sometimes, when I’m tired or frustrated, it feels good to brood about old wounds. Then, I realize it’s toxic and that I need to let it go, so I do . . . only to pick it up again the next time I’m stressed. I don’t want to live enslaved to my emotions though, so just like with my addiction, I must make some daily effort to abandon my way for God’s.

King Saul illustrated this phenomenon of emotional relapse in today’s passage. In the story, Saul resented David’s success and sought to kill him. Saul’s son – Jonathan – loved David though and intervened on David’s behalf. Saul relented and promised not to kill David. Just a few verses later though, we read that Saul, brooding over David’s successes, relapsed emotionally, once again trying to skewer David with his spear. Saul thought he’d let go of his resentment, but letting go often isn’t a once-for-all decision. Indulging in his dark emotions, Saul’s resentment returned, overthrowing his mind.

For our own mental health, we must recognize those emotions that are self-defeating. Resentment is the poison we drink, hoping it hurts the other. When we realize this, we must let it go, but we must also recognize that letting go often isn’t a once-for-all decision. It’s something we may have to work at again and again, only to find it returning when we’re stressed. We don’t have to live enslaved to our toxic emotions, but living in freedom means daily doing the work of surrendering our emotions to God, abandoning our way for his.