No More Enabling

Saul said to Michal, “Why have you deceived me thus and let my enemy go, so that he has escaped?” 1 Samuel 19:17

Occasionally, I’ll meet a patient who wants me to help her husband with his alcohol problem, only to find that he’s home bound. Wait. If he can’t get to the liquor store, how does he get his alcohol? Then, I discover that it’s the wife who’s bringing home the alcohol. Why? It’s just so foreign to me. I simply cannot imagine any scenario in which my wife would buy me drugs. I can’t be too hard on this woman though. No matter how absurd it may seem to me, I’ve not been in her shoes, living with her husband. Still, she’s participating in the problem and if she wants to do what she can to effect change, she’s going to have to stop being part of the problem. Even if he eventually gets his alcohol somewhere else, she needs to establish boundaries, perhaps removing herself from the situation. None of her options are easy. Either she continues to contribute to the problem, or she defies his will and makes some very painful changes. Change is hard, but for her own sake, she needs to figure out how to not participate in the self-destructive behavior.

Today’s passage illustrates the difficulty of boundaries within a family. In the story, King Saul sought to kill David, attempting to enlist his children in the crime. Saul’s son (Jonathan) and David were like brothers though, and Saul’s daughter (Michal) was David’s wife. Still, Saul demanded that they help kill David. Both refused, incurring the wrath of their father and king. Standing up to Saul could not have been easy. Jonathan and Michal however, stuck to their boundaries. They stood up to Saul, refusing to enable him and refusing to hurt David. They couldn’t stop Saul from seeking David’s death, but for their own sake, and for the sake of David, they refused to be part of the problem.

Often, it’s simply easier to avoid conflict, going along with self-destructive behavior. In the case* above, I’m sure that I have no idea how miserable that husband can make things for his wife if she refuses to supply the alcohol. Change for both will be terribly painful, and she can’t make him stop drinking. All she can do, is to protect herself, refusing to be part of the problem. As I said, this will be profoundly difficult, illustrating just how hard it is to maintain boundaries within a family. As difficult as it is though, for our own sake, we must not allow ourselves to be participate in self-destructive behavior, particularly when it involves those we love the most.

*This isn’t any one patient, but rather an amalgamation of many patients. For privacy’s sake, I don’t share specific patient stories.