My Addiction, Your Fault

The next day a harmful spirit from God rushed upon Saul, and he raved within his house while David was playing the lyre, as he did day by day. Saul had his spear in his hand. And Saul hurled the spear, for he thought, “I will pin David to the wall.” But David evaded him twice.  1 Samuel 18:10-11

In my last relapse, as shameful as it is to admit, I turned to my prescribing power to find pills. There are supposed to be safeguards in place to prevent this, so when my life fell apart due to my addiction, I considered blaming those responsible for the safeguards. In my case, there was a third-party loophole that I exploited for several month before anyone caught on to my diversion. In my disaster, I briefly considered a lawsuit against that third-party. I’ve got a disease, and you allowed me access to pills. This is your fault. If I could convince myself and the world that my addiction was someone else’s fault, then I’d feel a whole lot better about myself. I’m the victim here.

In our self-inflicted misery, we often try to blame others. This is what King Saul did in today’s passage. In the story, David came to live with the king after defeating Goliath. As David’s stature grew in the eyes of the people, Saul became resentful, blaming David. All of this was Saul’s own doing though. It was Saul who had defied God. Yes, David was the one whom God chose to eventually supplant Saul, but the only reason Saul needed to be replaced was because Saul had failed to follow God. In his misery though, Saul blamed David for his problems, trying repeatedly to kill him.

It’s our nature, in our self-inflicted misery to blame others. It’s shameful to admit we’re the problem, and so, our ego protects itself, deflecting blame. The problem with blaming others though, is that to repent, we must first admit that we are the problem. The first step in recovery is owning the failure. The first step towards God is to admit that we’re wrong, require forgiveness, and need saving. Those who can never admit failure can never find God, because they don’t need him.

Others may cause me grief and injury in life, but the most important thing about me is my relationship with God. No one else can impede my faith. I am my own greatest obstacle in that relationship, as I’m daily tempted to turn from God to follow me. This is no one’s responsibility but my own. Daily then, I must admit that I’m the problem, that I need repentance, and that I need God today, just as much as I did back in the disaster of my addiction.