When Amends Fail

And when Abner returned to Hebron, Joab took him aside into the midst of the gate to speak with him privately, and there he struck him in the stomach, so that he died, for the blood of Asahel his brother. 2 Samuel 3:27

Step nine of AA’s twelve steps states that we must make amends with those we’ve hurt in our addiction. This is a Christian principal, taught in the Bible, which say we must do what we can to reconcile with others, making restitution for past offenses. It’s an important part of recovery as we acknowledge our hurtful behavior and do what we can to restore those relationships we broke in our addiction.

For me, this step didn’t happen all at once, but rather has happened over several years as I’ve gradually encountered those I hurt in my drug use. As I meet those I offended, I try to address the past, acknowledge my fault, and tell them something of where I’m at now. Usually, I encounter nothing but forgiveness and grace. Occasionally though, I encounter those who still hold a grudge and who have no desire to reconcile. It makes for an uncomfortable conversation once I realize they’re clinging to past offenses, and so, I must move on and let it go. At that point I’m tempted to embrace resentment, but I must remember that I’m the one who caused the hurt. This was my fault, and they don’t owe me anything. Conflict bothers me, but sometimes I can’t fix it and so, I must do what I can to resolve it and leave it at that.

Not everyone wants to make amends, and some broken relationships will never be reconciled. That’s the lesson of today’s passage, which tells of the death of Abner. In the ongoing conflict between the house of Saul and the house of David, Abner commanded Saul’s armies until Saul’s son offended him, at which point, he switched sides to help David take the throne of Israel. Not everyone in David’s camp accepted Abner’s change of heart though. Joab, the commander of David’s armies, held a grudge against Abner as Abner had previously killed Joab’s brother in battle. Unable to let go of his brother’s death, Joab murdered Abner.

The lesson for me is to acknowledge that I cannot change others. I’m only responsible for my own behavior and I’m responsible to do what I can to make amends. Then, I must leave the results up to God. I cannot allow another’s unforgiveness to make me bitter and resentful. On the other side, when it’s me who’s been wronged, I must be willing to allow others to change and make amends. Clinging to the hurts of the past isn’t good for anyone. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all (Romans 12:18).