My Secret Life

So Saul disguised himself and put on other garments and went, he and two men with him. And they came to the woman by night. 1 Samuel 28:8

As I was thinking about today’s passage yesterday, an amusing memory popped up from my early teen years. It was summer and I was mowing lawns, making good money. During this summer, my best friend and I developed a pattern of riding our bikes every evening to the local ice cream shop and then downtown to play video games at the gas station arcade. It was good clean fun, involving no questionable behavior – except for the amount of money I was spending on the video games. As I began making money, my parents tried to teach me fiscal responsibility and so, it was understood that I was to save my income, giving some to church and putting most in the bank. My parents didn’t object to my daily ice cream outings, but they would not have been happy about the ten plus dollars I was blowing daily on video games, wiping out all of my earnings.

So, I hid this behavior from my parents, and I continued wasting my money at the arcade. Do you know what happened? Absolutely nothing. My parents never checked on my cash flow and, having few expenses, I didn’t suffer any consequences. I remember thinking, All that worrying was for nothing. I got away with it. Growing up means more freedom so I can do whatever I want. Only I didn’t get away with it. I just paid the price decades later, when, as an adult I continued the same pattern of behavior I learned at age 13. Back then, I learned that if I can keep my questionable behavior hidden, there are no consequences. The worst thing that could have happened to me, was to get away with it.

If we find ourselves hiding a behavior, then we should abandon that behavior. This is the lesson of today’s passage, in which King Saul consulted the witch at Endor. Cut off from the voice of God and facing the Philistine army, Saul sought answers from beyond the grave. Knowing that sorcery was forbidden by God, he disguised himself and visited the fortune teller at night. Though he was king, he was so ashamed of his behavior that he went to great lengths to hide it, revealing that he shouldn’t have been doing it in the first place.

In recovery now, I must daily pursue openness and honesty. What behaviors am I tempted to indulge in that I wouldn’t want my wife, kids, or friends to observe? When I find myself lurking in secrecy, I must think about the life I truly desire, abandoning any behavior that requires me to hide in the dark. Even if I think I can get away with it, there’s always a price to pay later.