You’re Making Me Angry

I have not sinned against you, though you hunt my life to take it. 1 Samuel 24:11

On my way to work at the jail yesterday morning, I stopped at a specific gas station, which I knew had s’mores coffee – my current seasonal favorite – for a limited time. For whatever reason, this s’mores coffee has been hard to find. The gas station near me, where they’re supposed to have it, hasn’t gotten it in yet. And yesterday, I stopped where I knew they had it, only to find that the machine was out of order. Under my breath, I said a bad word, and frustrated, I indulged in silent rage. A minute earlier, I’d been pontificating on today’s passage, hoping to find some life wisdom to share in today’s blog. There I stood though, allowing that out-of-order coffee machine to derail my thinking. In my irritation, I became ridiculously self-centered. Why can’t I ever find my s’mores coffee? Why is the world out to get me? I know that sounds absurd, but in that moment, when frustrated, I allowed the external to control my mind, causing me to engage in irrational and self-destructive thoughts.

Ironically, the lesson of today’s passage is that I’m responsible for my own actions and that I shouldn’t use life’s trials as an excuse to act badly. In the passage, we read how David and his med hid from King Saul, who relentlessly sought to kill him. As Saul and his men pursued David, Saul had to stop to relieve himself in a nearby cave. Alone in the cave, Saul didn’t realize that David and his men were hidden deeper within the cave. There, David could have killed Saul. He was justified. Saul had repeatedly tried to kill him, and God had told David that he was to replace Saul as king. David could have easily convinced himself that killing Saul was God’s will. David, however, refused to let Saul’s bad behavior make him act badly. David recognized that no matter what Saul did, David was responsible for his own behavior.

I often use life trials or the bad behavior of others to justify my own bad behavior. I’m only angry because you’re making me angry. In doing so, I allow that trial or person to control my mind, causing me to engage in self-destructive behavior myself. It doesn’t have to be this way though. I don’t have to surrender control. When I realize that the only one responsible for my thoughts and actions is me, I can take back control, choosing to follow God instead of my impulsive emotions. In doing so, I do what’s healthy and right – even when I can’t get my s’mores coffee.