My Mental Health

Now the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and a harmful spirit from the LORD tormented him. 1 Samuel 16:14

Every late winter, I get a little Seasonal Affect Disorder, meaning I have some low-level depressive symptoms that turn around once the weather improves. It’s never been a big deal, never requiring medications our counseling for it. So, that is the extent of my experience with depression and anxiety, except for . . .

In my addiction, I experienced tremendous anxiety and depression. There were several reasons for this. First, I lived in constant conflict with myself, believing in one thing, yet living in a manner completely contrary to my beliefs. Second, I experienced constant anxiety, always terrified about discovery. Finally, I was taking medications that drastically altered my mood, causing me to swing from euphoria to withdrawal in a few hours. I was a mess. It was in this state that I went to my physician, begging for a pill for depression. I didn’t tell him the reason I was depressed of course. I knew what I needed was to stop living in opposition to God. I knew I needed to abandon my way to follow his, but that was too hard. So, I wallowed in my anxiety and depression, unwilling to do what it took to get out.

This is where Saul found himself in todays’ passage, which is about his mental health. In the story, Saul rebelled against God, damaging their relationship. Saul knew he was supposed to be living in a loving relationship with God, but instead, he lived in opposition to God. In this place, he was tormented. Wallowing in his resentment, shame, anxiety, and depression, he sought out music, which helped calm him. What he needed was to get right with God, but that was too much work, so he settled for the temporary relief of music.

I must be careful to point out here that I do not believe that all mental health struggles are our own fault. This is my story though. When I lived in opposition to God, I made myself anxious and depressed. In getting sober and making a daily effort to follow God’s will instead of my own, I’ve found life, joy, and peace. When I do what I want, embracing that which I know to be unhealthy and self-destructive, my mental health inevitably suffers. When I follow God, embracing that which I know to be healthy and true, my mental health flourishes. I don’t want to go back to that dark place dominated by drugs, anxiety, and depression, so daily, I’ll continue to seek the father, who created me to experience joy and peace in a loving relationship with him.