Forcing My Will

I said, “Now the Philistines will come down against me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the favor of the LORD.” So I forced myself, and offered the burnt offering. 1 Samuel 13:12

When it became clear that I needed to go to inpatient treatment for my opioid addiction, I immediately began searching for the easiest, shortest treatment available. I quickly found a comfortable program where it appeared I’d get out in a couple of weeks. My wife and others however, insisted that I go to a Christian program that was not known for its brevity or for catering to white collar clients. I resisted, but I still ended up in that Christian program. From the moment I arrived, I tried to get out early. Two weeks sounded doable to me. Again though, I didn’t get my way, as my counselor insisted that I must stay for at least four weeks. As my discharge date approached and it appeared that I could miss my daughter’s 12^th birthday, I once again set out to manipulate events so that I’d make it home on time. I was livid as my counselor denied my request, and I missed her birthday by two days.

Up to that point in life, when I really wanted something, I’d usually been able to manipulate things to get my way. Doing everything my way though, led to my drug addiction and its painful consequences. In those painful consequences, my way was taken away from me. I’d acted like a child and so, I was being treated like a child. I went from doing life my way, to being told when to go to bed and when I could have my snacks.

Forcing my way is the story of today’s passage, which tells of King Saul’s fatal flaw. In the story, the priest Samuel instructed Saul to wait for him to offer a sacrifice prior to the coming battle. As the battle approached though, and Samuel was nowhere to be found, Saul grew impatient, taking it upon himself to offer the sacrifice. When Samuel arrived, he wasn’t happy.  What have you done? Saul tried to justify himself, but the damage was done. Samuel told Saul that his disobedience had cost him his kingdom. Saul was king, and as king, he felt he could force his way upon the world. And so, God took away his ability to force his way.

Though I’m sober, I’m still tempted to constantly seek my way. Whenever it looks like I’m not going to get what I want, I begin planning how I can force my way. My way though, hasn’t always proven to be healthy or right. My way has led to disaster. So, recovery means daily going to God, asking this – which is never easy – Not my will, but yours, be done (Luke 22:42).