God of Light

God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. And God saw that the light was good. And God separated the light from the darkness. Genesis 1:3

 I love waking up before dawn to watch the world grow light. I would like to have been there on that first dawn, when the first star’s light raced through space, chasing the darkness away. God made the light to shine in the dark, illuminating the universe with His presence. The dark recedes at the light and for the dark to continue to exist, it must hide in the shadows. Where there is light, the dark does not exist. Where there is dark, there is no light.

I remember, in treatment, watching those who, one minute professed God in the pursuit of sobriety, only to brag of their horrible relationships with women. I found their duplicity to be maddening. How can you pretend to embrace the light while living in the dark?

 This kind of thinking is dangerous, as, if I have any honesty, I must turn it to myself. Do I do this? I know that I do. I want to live in the light, but I also desire to hide those pieces of darkness which suit me. I want to mix the dark and the light. I want to know God while hanging onto self.

This causes me to live in a state of constant conflict. In my addiction, I wanted sobriety but I also wanted that next pill. In my spiritual life, I want to follow God, but I want to follow me too. Just as I cannot live in the light and the dark, I cannot live for God and for self at the same time.

That I have become comfortable with this conflict should not be reassuring. At least with my addiction, I knew it was unsustainable. Now though, the little darkness I hang on to does not bother me much, so I do not deal with it. If I want to know the light though, I must allow it to do its work, chasing away the darkness.