I Believe in God but I Do What I Want

But his servant said, “How can I set this before a hundred men?” So he repeated, “Give them to the men, that they may eat, for thus says the LORD, ‘They shall eat and have some left.’” So he set it before them. And they ate and had some left, according to the word of the LORD. 2 Kings 4:43-44

Growing up in church, with a father who is a pastor, I’ve always believed in God. I’ve occasionally had my doubts, but I don’t remember not believing in God’s existence. Is that faith though? For years, I believed in God, but I followed myself, doing whatever I wanted. I knew how God wanted me to live, but that was contrary to my preferences, appetites, and sensibilities. I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to experience, and God tried to keep me from living the life I wanted. So, even though I believed in God, I followed myself.

I’d suggest that there is a vast difference between belief in God’s existence and faith in God. This difference is illustrated in today’s passage. In the story, Elisha and his fellow prophets were living through a famine, when someone gifted them some bread and grain. It wasn’t nearly enough to feed the 100 men present, but still, Elisha instructed his servant to present the food to the men. The servant, seeing that it wasn’t nearly enough, objected. We’re going to run out. He believed in God. He’d seen miracles. Still, logic dictated that this course of action made no sense. Elisha however, insisted that God would provide. In the end, the servant exercised faith, obeying God despite knowing there wasn’t enough food. He believed in, and he followed God with his behavior, even though following God meant defying his own sensibilities. God, of course, came through and there was enough food for everyone.

I’ve always believed in God, but I’ve not always followed him. Rather, I’ve followed myself, believing I was pursuing the life I wanted, but making myself miserable in the process. I once saw God as a giant killjoy, but now I see that he was trying to save me from myself. Now, as I’m sick of the misery of following me, I daily try not to simply believe in God, but to follow him, even when doing so runs contrary to my appetites, preferences, and sensibilities. Faith is believing in God and making my feet follow, even when – particularly when – it doesn’t make sense to me.