I Know Best

You shall not do according to all that we are doing here today, everyone doing whatever is right in his own eyes . . . Deuteronomy 12:8

I remember sitting in my counselor’s office while in treatment, arguing with her about my discharge date. I’d been there 14 days, which seemed long enough. I was cured and I needed to get home to put my life back together. My counselor though, filling out her weekly assessment, indicated that she still felt I was at high risk for relapse. I was offended – Don’t be preposterous. She had a lot of evidence on her side though. I had a severe opioid use disorder. I’d lost my job. My career was in jeopardy. It appeared I was losing my family. I’d made a long list of terrible choices, I was hopelessly addicted to opioids, and my life was an absolute disaster. Despite the mountain of evidence in her favor though, I still thought I knew best. I don’t need to be in treatment any longer. I’m good now. I need to get home to fix stuff.

I ended up staying two weeks longer, which I felt was a grave injustice. In that two weeks though, I began to consider the idea that it just might be possible that I shouldn’t be in charge of my life. I’d followed my way to disaster. Recovery then, has meant figuring out something greater – something outside of me – to follow. In recovery, I’ve learned, and I frequently write – My way is disaster. God’s way is life.

This was Moses’ lesson in today’s verse. In it, he told the Israelites that they didn’t get to decide wrong and right. God did. They thought they were in charge, or at least they lived like it. Following themselves though, led to disaster every time. It was only in surrendering their right to be in charge, and in following God, that they got to enjoy the blessings of walking with God.

You’d think I’d have learned my lesson in my addiction, but this is an ongoing life struggle. I still think that I know best. It’s still my nature to do whatever I want to do – even when I understand that thing isn’t healthy for me. My drug addiction was just a symptom of a greater problem. My problem is me. My way is disaster. God’s way is life. Living by faith and recovery has been an infinitely more joyful and peaceful life. So, if I want to stay here, I must daily recognize that I don’t get to decide what’s best for me. My path is self-destructive, so daily, I must learn to follow God’s path, because he will never lead me back to addiction.