My First Opioid Exposure

If one person sins unintentionally, he shall offer a female goat a year old for a sin offering. Numbers 15:27

My first exposure to opioids came in my fourth year of medical school after a surgery to remove a thyroid cancer. Postoperatively, I got a prescription for opioid pain pills and immediately fell in love with the euphoria. I had no further access at the time so that was it. I had no understanding of that which was lurking in my brain. I remembered the euphoria though, and later, when I had access to pain pills in residency, I jumped at the opportunity. Quickly, even with the first few doses, I developed tolerance and withdrawal. I recognized that as unhealthy, but I still had no idea that this was the beginning of an addiction that would one day threaten my family and career. That time though was my opportunity to recognize unhealthy behavior and arrest it as I wasn’t yet enslaved to the drug. At that point, I should have done whatever it took to stop and run the other way. If I had stopped then, there really wouldn’t have been any significant repercussions.

Later though, at my last relapse 10 years ago, I knew better. I knew the potential consequences. I heard God telling me – Don’t do this. Still, I willfully defied God, following my appetite above all. I stole. I lied. I diverted opioids. I understood those things were evil and I did them anyway. This was willful defiance of God, deliberately choosing to do what I knew to be wrong. The consequences this time, were far greater.

Intentionality matters. It matters to God, and it matters to us. This is illustrated in today’s passage. In the narrative, God instructed his people that when they sinned unintentionally, they simply needed to offer a sacrifice, and all would be forgiven. If, however, they deliberately defied God, knowing their transgression and doing it anyway, the consequences were much different. That person shall be cut off from among his people (Numbers 15:30).

We all make mistakes. God gets that. When we recognize the mistake, that is the time to learn from it and do whatever it takes to repent, arresting the behavior. The consequences at that time are often minimal. When, however, we recognize a thing as unhealthy, but continue to do it anyway, we develop an addiction, leading to much more painful consequences. The lesson then, is that we must constantly be vigilant, interrogating our thoughts, words, and actions. Is this healthy? Does it point me towards a life in God or a life of self?

My way is disaster. God’s way is life. Daily then, I must recognize the unhealthy before it becomes an addiction, doing whatever it takes to abandon it.