Lacking Empathy

So Hanun took David’s servants and shaved them and cut off their garments in the middle, at their hips, and sent them away; and they departed. When David was told concerning the men, he sent messengers to meet them, for the men were greatly ashamed. And the king said, “Remain at Jericho until your beards have grown and then return.” 1 Chronicles 19:4-5

I’ve written about this topic previously, and I wish that writing about it once fixed the problem, but recovering from a life of pursuing myself means that I’ll always be working on some flaw. So, today, I’ll revisit my lack of empathy – which is an ongoing challenge for me.

In the disaster of my drug addiction back in 2014, my wife pointed out that I just don’t think of her when I make decisions. She was, of course, right. I made decisions based on what I wanted, not considering her feelings. Recovery then, has meant learning to think of her feelings. Often though, she still must ask me – How would it make you feel if I did this? The fact that she still must ask me this reveals my persistent flaw – I should be asking that question of myself. I should be continually asking – How would this make my wife feel?

Empathy is ability to understand the feelings of others, and it’s illustrated in today’s passage. In the story, King David’s messengers to the Ammonites were humiliated, when the Ammonites shaved their beards and sent them home partially naked. It was apparently a great insult to have one’s beard shaved and King David, feeling for his men, allowed the messengers to remain away from Jerusalem until their beards regrew. David must have imagined what it would feel like to have his own beard shaved and he acted in accordance with his empathy.

My problem isn’t that I lack the ability do understand the feelings of others. My problem is that I make impulsive decisions without stopping to consider those feelings. I want what I want and so, I just do it. This, however, doesn’t make the kind of marriage God intended for me or my wife. So, if I want that kind of marriage, I must daily choose to consider the feelings of my wife, before I make that impulsive decision. Recovery from a life or pursing myself means continually abandoning my way so that I can follow God’s way. My way is disaster. God’s way is life.