I Want to Want to Be Good

The LORD our God be with us, as he was with our fathers. May he not leave us or forsake us, that he may incline our hearts to him, to walk in all his ways and to keep his commandments, his statutes, and his rules, which he commanded our fathers. 1 Kings 8:57-58

I wish that I just naturally was more like who God made me to be. I wish that it was normal for me to respond in love when insulted, but it’s just not. When shoved, I want to shove back. I wish it was natural for me to want to help the less fortunate, but it isn’t. Rather, it’s natural for me to want to spend my time, effort, and money on me and mine. I long for my appetite to be inclined towards healthy foods. I really want to want only chicken and broccoli but unfortunately, I crave chips and donuts. I want to be more like Christ, but every day, I find that I’m not. Rather, I’m small, petty, prideful, angry, lustful, gluttonous, and greedy. I wish that when I came to God that all the self-destructive in me was miraculously removed, but it wasn’t. As long as I’m in this body, I’m going to desire unhealthy things.

Still though, I want to want to be good. This seems to be akin to what Solomon said in today’s passage. In his prayer, he cried out to God, asking that he would give his people a desire for him and his ways. Solomon knew that his people had sinful appetites and would just naturally drift away from God, so he prayed that God would continually lead them back to him. He asked that God incline their hearts to him, affecting their desires, so that they would want to follow God.

I pray something similar every morning. Daily, when I first get up, I ask that God make me want what he wants. I ask for my self-destructive appetites to be eliminated and for me to desire the things that God desires. I know I won’t be perfect in this life, but that doesn’t excuse me from daily striving to be who God made me to be. God, in his wisdom, doesn’t instantly remove all my self-destructive appetites when I come to know him, but still, I ask him to continually work on me to change my appetites. I cannot though, use this prayer as an excuse to do nothing. If my addiction taught me anything, it’s that I’m responsible for doing whatever it takes to follow God even if I don’t feel like it. Often, it is only in radical obedience, that God fixes my appetites.