My Imaginary God

And when the angel stretched out his hand toward Jerusalem to destroy it, the LORD relented from the calamity and said to the angel who was working destruction among the people, “It is enough; now stay your hand.” 2 Samuel 24:16

In my drug addiction, I had a version of God that I wanted to be true. I wanted God to be a kind, loving grandfather, who would never get angry and who would give me what I wanted, miraculously removing my addiction. This gentle old man would never allow me to go through painful consequences, and he certainly wouldn’t orchestrate those consequences. This was the God I wanted. The God I got however, loved me enough to allow me to go through terrible consequences. He didn’t instantly remove my addiction but rather, he insisted that I follow him, teaching me that following my way was disastrous.

We all have an idea of what we want God to be. We’ll often say things like, “I can’t believe in a God who would ______”. I often cringe at these statements because I know that God doesn’t fit neatly into any box and I know that he doesn’t owe us any explanation for his actions. I do it too though. In 2004, when a tsunami killed over 200,000 people in Indonesia, I remember struggling to wrap my head around a God who would allow such things. When I once read of the rape and murder of a four-year-old, I wrestled with my understanding of a God who is supposed be loving and all-powerful.

Today’s passage is one that reveals this side of God that I’d prefer to pretend doesn’t exist. In the story, King David angered God, who responded by sending a destroying angel to kill 70,000 Israelites. It’s a terrifying picture of this lethal agent of God standing between heaven and Earth with his sword extended over Jerusalem, ready to destroy it.

This is hard for me to reconcile with a Jesus in the New Testament who seems to be all love and grace. It’s difficult to understand a loving God who allows terrible calamities. God though, isn’t obligated to explain himself to me (see Job 38 and 39). All I can do is seek to know God as he is, not as I want him to be. He is God, after all, and disbelieving because he doesn’t meet my preferences doesn’t make much sense. So, I read and I pray, and I seek to know God. And there are moments of clarity. In 2 Corinthians 4:17, Paul speaks of man’s temporary suffering as minor in comparison with eternity. Paul suffered more than I ever will (hopefully) but still, he chose to view this life from an eternal perspective. Wisely, Paul sought to know God as he was, not as what he wanted him to be.