Finding My Self-Worth

And David said to Michal, “It was before the LORD, who chose me above your father and above all his house, to appoint me as prince over Israel, the people of the LORD—and I will celebrate before the LORD.” 2 Samuel 6:21

Thinking about today’s passage, I found myself reminiscing about one of my first end-of-school track and field days, when I was probably six years old. Excited, I signed up for the standing broad jump, the sack race, the softball throw, and the potato shuttle – I liked potatoes. I remember that I wasn’t performing very well and that I felt terribly inferior to the other kids. It just seemed they were all laughing at how bad I was. Suddenly, after one of the events, I burst into tears, running to my mother. I’m sure she had no idea why she had a sobbing six-year-old on her hands, but she comforted me and assured me everything was going to be OK. But it wasn’t. I just felt so stupid. Later, at the awards ceremony, when I got three first place ribbons, I was shocked. Honestly, there’s still a little part of me that thinks the teachers rigged it, because they felt so badly for that sobbing kid.

Growing up, this was a life problem – worrying constantly about what my peers thought of me. I admired those who appeared not to care, but my self-esteem was wrapped up in whether I received affirmation from my classmates. If I got affirmation, I felt good. If I didn’t, I felt bad. As a six-year-old, I didn’t understand why I burst into tears, but as I grew up, I realized that depending on my peers for affirmation wasn’t healthy. Knowing that though, didn’t necessarily change how I felt. So, even as an adult, I’ve continued to struggle with my hunger for affirmation.

Passages like today’s have helped though. In the story, King David worshipped God, dancing madly in the streets while wearing very little. His wife later chastised him for the display. You made a fool of yourself in front of everyone (my paraphrase). David responded that he wasn’t celebrating before the crowd but rather, was dancing only for God. God made me king and so, I will celebrate before him. I don’t care what anyone thinks (my paraphrase).

I want that. I want to live as though I’m performing for an audience of one. I want to live free from the burden of what others think and I want to find my affirmation in God alone. That’s not natural for me though. Daily then, I must choose to remind myself that my true value doesn’t lie in the opinion of my peers. Daily, I must find my value in doing God’s will, not in what the crowd thinks.