Forgiveness Doesn’t Equal Trust

So David went his way, and Saul returned to his place. 1 Samuel 26:25

In my last relapse, I tore our lives apart and hurt my wife terribly. Initially, we both assumed our marriage was over, but she didn’t leave. I went to treatment, committed myself to faith and recovery, and then returned home where we slowly began to work on our marriage. Things were rough for a long time. Those first couple of months, the only time we were in a room being cordial to each other was at counseling – where we drove separately. Gradually though, as I lived a radically different life, my wife began to believe things could be different. I’d say that it took her a year or two to work through forgiveness. Eventually though, she got there and today, our marriage is far healthier than it was before.

My wife, however, would be the first person to tell you that forgiving didn’t mean restoration of trust. Forgiving meant letting go of the debt of the hurt that I’d caused, no longer holding that offense over my head. It did not, however, mean that she’d forgotten about years of repeated relapses. Early in my recovery, when I considered having surgery for a torn ligament in my knee, she wanted to know if it was necessary. Remembering past behaviors, she was worried I’d use that surgery as an excuse to get pain pills. I was offended. Don’t you trust me? Her blunt answer was no, she didn’t trust me. She’d forgiven, letting go of the offense, but she wasn’t an idiot, and she hadn’t forgotten my past behavior. I had to admit that she was right.

This principle – Forgiveness Doesn’t Equal Trust – is illustrated in today’s passage. In the story, as King Saul continued his quest to kill David, David stood on a hilltop, calling out Saul’s evil behavior from a safe distance. Saul repented of his sin and beseeched David to return to him. The passage doesn’t explicitly say that David forgave Saul, but they seemed to have some reconciliation. David, however, didn’t return to Saul, but rather went his own way. Maybe Saul had repented, but because of past behavior, David simply didn’t trust him anymore.

For our own emotional and spiritual health, we must often forgive, letting go of some offense. That, however, doesn’t mean that we must trust that person. If someone repeatedly borrows and wrecks our car, we can forgive them without ever giving them the keys again. Because clinging to the hurt of the past is toxic to us, we must let those debts go, but that doesn’t mean we forget, and it doesn’t mean we’re obligated put ourselves in a position to be hurt again. Forgiveness doesn’t equal trust.