Masks

So he changed his behavior before them and pretended to be insane in their hands and made marks on the doors of the gate and let his spittle run down his beard. 1 Samuel 21:13

A few weeks ago, I was speaking at a conference, when I unexpectedly became a little emotional. I told my story to explain why I provide medical care to the incarcerated, the homeless, and the addicted, and as I described what a privilege it is to help others who struggle as I have struggled, I got tears in my eyes. I didn’t see that coming and it was definitely not my plan to cry in front of a room full of people. I felt stupid. Why? I think it’s because I wanted to be viewed as calm, cool, and in control of my emotions. Instead, I wore my emotions on my sleeve. I desired to dictate what others thought of me and when I surrendered that control, the vulnerability made me uncomfortable. After, I found myself wishing that I’d worn a mask, suppressing those tears, not allowing anyone to see the real me.

We all wear masks from time to time. This is illustrated in today’s passage by David, who was on the run from King Saul. Hiding among the Philistines of all people, David thought he’d be safe. But some of the Philistines thought he looked familiar – Hey, isn’t that they guy who killed Goliath? Terrified that he’d be recognized, David pretended to be insane. To protect himself, he wore a mask, trying to be someone else.

As I said, we all do this at times. We all wear masks, attempting to manipulate the opinions of those around us. This pretending though, is inherently dishonest, as we try to make others believe we’re something that we’re not.

In my addiction, I was terrified that others would see who I really was. So, I hid the real me, pretending to be something I wasn’t. This revealed that I cared more about what others thought of me than I did about what God thought of me. It would have been incomprehensible, back then, to be open and honest. I’m addicted. I need help. That just wasn’t an option, so I wore a mask. I’ve got it all together.

Now, in recovery, the challenge is to be honest and authentic, living for God’s approval instead of man’s approval. Still though, I’d prefer to control what others think of me. So, when I got teary-eyed in front of a room full of people, I felt stupid. A couple of weeks later though, and I can choose not to regret it, recognizing that as long as I’m living for God’s approval, it doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks of me.