Those We Love the Most

But Saul hurled his spear at him to strike him. So Jonathan knew that his father was determined to put David to death. 1 Samuel 20:33

We just got home yesterday from celebrating my daughter’s* college graduation. It was a wonderful weekend of family, laughter, and sharing memories. During such times, I find myself thinking about the big picture of our lives. I’m profoundly proud of my daughter and I’m excited to what the next chapter of her life will look like, but I also find myself critiquing my parenting. Have I been a good father? Being her dad has been one of the greatest joys of my life. I love my daughter, and I’d give anything for her. I feel confident that, if it was required, I’d lay down my life for hers. That, however, is an unlikely scenario. The question isn’t, Would I die for those I love? Rather, the question is this, Would I live for them, putting their needs above mine?  This, I’m afraid, is a test that I’ve not always passed.

Eleven years ago, as my addiction came to light and as disastrous consequences rained down, my wife felt betrayed. You don’t love me and the kids. You love the drug. That was absurd. Of course I loved my family. From her perspective though, I’d chosen the drug, sacrificing our family to my addiction. She wasn’t wrong. No, there was no one moment when I consciously chose the drug, but from my family’s perspective, my actions revealed that I loved the drug above all. I could say, I love you, a thousand times, but the words were empty without the behavior to back it up. If I truly loved my family, then I needed to behave accordingly.

Indulging in our self-destructive behaviors hurts those we love the most. That’s the lesson of today’s passage, illustrated by King Saul’s behavior towards Jonathan, his son. In the story, Saul’s hatred and resentment of David consumed him, and as Saul slid further into madness, he sacrificed everything he loved to his resentment. Eventually, he even turned on Jonathan, trying to kill him for protecting David. If Saul could have paused and asked himself if he loved his son, he would have said yes. His actions however, said, My hatred of David is more important than my love for you.

In my addiction, I followed my self-destructive nature, pursuing the drug above all and sacrificing my family in the process. Recovery then, has meant doing the opposite – daily attempting to put their needs above mine. It’s unlikely that my family will every need me to die for them. Rather, as a husband and father, they need me to live for them. Do I love my family? Of course I do. So, today and every day, I must act like it, showing my love in my behavior.

*Congratulations Maggie! I love you and I’m proud of you!