Screaming in My Head

Then the people said to Samuel, “Who is it that said, ‘Shall Saul reign over us?’ Bring the men, that we may put them to death.” But Saul said, “Not a man shall be put to death this day, for today the LORD has worked salvation in Israel.” 1 Samuel 11:12-13

Since my most obvious failures have involved drugs, I write about addiction frequently. As I often say though, my addiction wasn’t my primary life problem. My primary problem was, and still is, that I see myself as the center of my universe. What this means is that though I’m sober, I still struggle with I, me, myself, and mine. This struggle can be quite subtle though. I can live free from drugs, while still indulging in self-centered resentments in my mind.

This hidden maliciousness is likely a far more common struggle, particularly for Christians, than drugs or alcohol, and it’s probably far more acceptable in Christian circles. Here’s what it looks like for me. In my mind, I divide those I meet into good and bad people. This is based largely on my interaction with them. If those I meet treat me well and do what I want, they’re good people. If, however, they annoy or oppose me, then they’re bad people. Even if I never act out, my thoughts towards these bad people are dark, hateful, and hurtful as I resent them and scream at them in my head. Privately, I speak negatively about them and I may even wish misery upon them. They’re bad people. They deserve it.

Though this vindictiveness is probably quite common in the average Christian life, there are few behaviors (including drug use) which are less self-destructive and less Christ-like. Though the story occurred a thousand years prior to Christ’s birth, today’s passage illustrates this. In the story, Samuel anointed Saul as king, but he was a nobody and as such, he had his critics – He’s not our king! After his first military victory though, as all Israel rallied around Saul, his supporters wanted to put his detractors to death. Saul however, didn’t indulge in resentment, but instead practiced grace – Not a man shall be put to death this day, for today the LORD has worked salvation in Israel.

This is the antidote to my self-centered resentments. Instead of looking at myself, focusing on how others vex me, I must keep my eyes on Christ, practicing the love and grace that he has shown me. He loved me when I was unlovable. He showed me grace when I was unworthy. If I call myself a Christian, then I must daily strive to follow Christ. Yes, this meant getting sober 10 years ago, but today, it also means giving up my right to be offended by everything and it means and practicing grace instead of resentment.