No Relationship Games

He said, “Who are you?” And she answered, “I am Ruth, your servant. Spread your wings over your servant, for you are a redeemer.” Ruth 3:9

When I first met my wife, I was immediately in love. She was not. I knew from the beginning that she was the woman I wanted to marry, but she didn’t feel that way for seven long years. So, I pursued, and she ran. I eventually wore her down though. We lived hundreds of miles apart at the time however, and so, when we began talking more and she suggested that we get together one weekend, I took the opportunity to ask her why. She’ll deny that she said this (she can tell her version if she wants) but she simply said this – I want to marry you. That was it. There were no games or subterfuge. I had made it clear to her (for seven years) that I wanted her and she now made it clear that she wanted me. So, I went out and bought a ring. Two weeks later, we were engaged. When I asked, I had no doubt in my mind that she’d say yes. We both knew what we wanted, and we both communicated that clearly to each other. No games. It was beautiful.

This simple but honest expression of love and intention is modeled in the book of Ruth, which tells the love story of Ruth and Boaz. In brief review, Boaz observed Ruth picking up leftover grain in his fields and inquired about her. Hearing about her virtue and loyalty, he was interested, doing what he could to meet her needs. In response, Ruth went to him and made her intentions known. Her language is foreign to us, but the message was clear – I want to marry you. No games – just two people who were honest about their feelings for each other.

I’d like to say that I’ve always been this straightforward and honest throughout our 25 years of marriage, but I’ve not been. In my addiction, I became terribly dishonest, lying about everything. In recovery now, I’m still learning to be honest and to communicate clearly. Relationship games – gaslighting, passive aggressiveness, and avoidance – are exhausting and poisonous to a healthy relationship. If I want a healthy marriage, then I must live with integrity and communicate clearly. I now know that one of my wife’s love languages is honesty and openness. I should have seen this way back when she simply said, I want to marry you. Well, I know it now, and so, if I want a healthy relationship, I must daily strive to be as open and honest with her as she is with me.