Laughing at Your Spouse’s Expense

On the fourth day they said to Samson’s wife, “Entice your husband to tell us what the riddle is, lest we burn you and your father’s house with fire. Have you invited us here to impoverish us?” Judges 14:15

Early on in our marriage, on separate occasions, my wife and I both committed this offense where we made a joke in front of others, at the other’s expense. In my case, I thought I was simply being funny and charming, but my wife didn’t find it funny or charming. She found it demeaning. I felt the same when the tables were turned on me. Fortunately, we were able to calmly discuss how hurtful this behavior was. When we first talked about how I did it, I objected a little. I was just making a joke. Lighten up. She was able though, to graciously ask the following question – How does it make you feel when I do it to you? We’re not perfect at it, but this is something we’ve learned to ask each other and ourselves. How would I feel if this were done to me?  In my addiction, I regressed, once again thinking only of myself, not considering how my behavior affected my wife. Recovery then, has meant regularly asking myself how my behavior affects her, and how I would feel if she acted like I was acting.

How would this affect my spouse? That’s the question from today’s passage in which Samson definitely didn’t ask the right question. In the story, Samson married a Philistine woman and then planned a week of feasting to celebrate. During that time, he challenged his wife’s people with a riddle and a wager. Unable to solve the riddle, and knowing it would cost them, the Philistines went to Samson’s wife, threatening to kill her if she didn’t reveal the answer (a threat they later carried out). Samson put his wife in this terrible position simply for his own amusement. Eventually, after much begging, Samson told and then was enraged when he discovered that she had betrayed the answer to her people. This was not a healthy marriage.

For most of us, it’s natural to think first of ourselves. It’s just not natural to put another’s feelings before our own. So, when trying to be funny, we often target those we know best. This is profoundly selfish behavior – making ourselves look better by making our spouses look worse. We may find it funny, and we may even get a laugh, but it doesn’t make for a happy marriage. Rather, it breeds bitterness and resentment. How would this affect my spouse? How would I feel if it were done to me? If we want a healthy marriage, then these are the questions we must regularly ask ourselves.