When I Couldn’t Instantly Fix My Marriage

“Go and cry out to the gods whom you have chosen; let them save you in the time of your distress.” And the people of Israel said to the LORD, “We have sinned; do to us whatever seems good to you. Only please deliver us this day.” So they put away the foreign gods from among them and served the LORD . . . Judges 10:14-16

The first time my addiction came to light, I told my wife I was sorry and would never do it again. She was understandably hurt and angry, but she forgave me, and things soon went back to normal. She would now say she was naïve in allowing such a quick return to normality. With each following relapse, forgiveness and trust were much harder to restore. With this last relapse, 10 years ago, she realized she was in a recurring pattern and that if she stayed with me, it was just going to keep happening.

I went off to treatment and there, had it out with God, promising that I’d follow his path if he gave me back my family. He promised nothing except that I’d stay sober if I followed him. There was no guarantee that I’d get my family back. When I got home from treatment, my wife didn’t throw me out, but things didn’t go back to normal. I felt like I was putting in the hard work of recovery, but I was getting nowhere in restoring my family . . . for months and months.

I was frustrated with my lack of progress, but what choice did I have? The only chance I had to get my life back was to stay sober. Returning to addiction would only guarantee the end of my marriage. So, I committed to radical change, living a completely different life, permanently. And that was exactly what my wife needed to see. I’d day it was 18 months before my wife began to believe that I’d changed, and I’d say that I needed those 18 months to prove to myself that I was really changing.

The Israelites experienced a similar phenomenon in today’s passage. In the story, they’d once again wandered from God, worshipping idols. God allowed them to be conquered, and, in their misery, they cried out to God, begging forgiveness. Tired of the recurring pattern, God was slow to rescue them. Allowing them to suffer a little longer, he watched to see if they actually changed. God’s people responded appropriately, abandoning their idols and following God, even though they didn’t immediately experience deliverance. And what choice did they have? Following themselves would have sealed their fate. The only chance they had at salvation came in authentic repentance.

Though it was frustrating at the time, looking back, I can now see the reason for those 18 months. God gave me that time to prove to myself, to my wife, and to him, that I was committed to change. It was slow, painful progress, but what choice did I have? A return to the old life would have meant total self-destruction. The only chance I had at new life was to daily abandon my way to follow God’s.