The Guilty Conscience

The Guilty Conscience

Now therefore, if you acted in good faith and integrity . . . with Jerubbaal and with his house this day, then rejoice in Abimelech, and let him also rejoice in you. Judges 9:16-19

Prior to my knee replacement, multiple injuries and multiple surgeries meant chronic pain. When I had my first steroid injection, the physician used an anesthetic that numbed that knee temporarily. I remember walking down the hall afterwards in awe – This is what it’s like not to hurt. It had been painful for so long that I just became accustomed to the misery and when it was (temporarily) gone, the sensation was magical. Now, since my knee replacement, I have very little pain, and I’m tempted to forget the misery. So, occasionally, I remind myself of the pain, just so I remain grateful for its absence.

My guilty conscience provided a similar experience. In my addiction, I spent a tremendous amount of time and effort hiding, sneaking, and lying. Then at night, I’d lie awake worrying that everyone would find out about my drugs. It was exhausting. I hated what I was doing, and I hated who I was. Unable to look in the mirror, much less at God, I stumbled through life with a guilty conscience that poisoned everything. Over time though, as I couldn’t stop the behavior that made me miserable, I simply grew accustomed to the discomfort. Now, in recovery, as I’ve stopped engaging in the behavior that wracked me with guilt, it’s been a blessing to be free of that wretchedness. Being able to lay my head down on my pillow at night with a clean conscience is a fantastic experience for which I’m profoundly grateful.

A clean conscience is invaluable. That’s the lesson of today’s passage. In it, Gideon’s son, Abimelech, slaughtered his brothers (except for Jotham who escaped) so Abimelech could be crowned king. Afterwards, Jotham confronted those who had aided his murderous brother – If you believe you acted righteously, then celebrate what you’ve done. If not though, then may you be consumed by your conscience as you await a terrifying judgment (my paraphrase). The rest of the chapter goes on to describe the chaos that ensued, ending in the humiliating death of Abimelech. Abimelech, along with those who aided his treachery, were haunted by guilty consciences, silenced only by the violent death they deserved.

Again, a clean conscience is invaluable. The challenge for me now then, is to keep my conscience clean. It’s tempting to forget the sorrow of a guilty conscience, returning to behavior that made me miserable in the first place. So, daily, if I want to enjoy a clean conscience, I must continue to abandon anything that would rob me of it.

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