This is What Insanity Looks Like

But on the next day all the congregation of the people of Israel grumbled against Moses and against Aaron, saying, “You have killed the people of the LORD.” Numbers 16:41

Recently, I sat listening, as a man addicted to stimulants told me an all-too-familiar story. He’d been depressed his whole life and just wanted to feel normal. The only way he knew how to improve his mood was to use cocaine, which made him feel better for a few hours, but when it wore off, he was worse off than before. Additionally, his cocaine use led to a life of crime, homelessness, and incarceration. This had been his pattern of behavior for years – chasing a relief that never lasted, and which came with a heavy price. His life was a disaster, yet he knew that unless he made profound, radical changes, that he’d continue attempting to find life, joy, and peace in cocaine. Despite all the evidence that cocaine could never fulfill him, he knew he’d keep trying. He understood he should have learned his lesson by now, but he felt trapped, destined to repeat the same self-destructive behavior over and over, hoping for a different outcome. That is the insanity of addiction.

Though it didn’t involve cocaine, this the same pattern of behavior displayed by the Israelites in today’s passage. In it, God had just destroyed those who had rebelled against God and Moses. The rest of the people should have learned their lesson. Don’t oppose Moses. God is on his side. Not more than 24 hours later though, they turned again on Moses. This was a pattern of behavior that the Israelites repeated over and over. Though God continually demonstrated that following Moses was the path to the Promised Land, the Israelites continually rebelled, following their own way, leading to repeated death and destruction. They simply never learned.

It’s maddening to watch someone else do it – making the same absurd mistakes over and over. Still, I’ve been there. I’ve been the one who repeatedly embraced self-destruction. I’ve known I can’t find joy in pills, yet I’ve tried. I’ve known I can’t find satisfaction in food, but I’ve tried. Recovery then, has meant daily choosing to find my life, joy, and peace in God. I don’t do it perfectly, but every day, I get up and find my center in him. I’ve found that all my deepest needs are met only in God and so, I daily must choose to find it there. Trying to find it anywhere else is insanity.