Scott the Builder
1 Peter 2:21-23 Christ also suffered for you… when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.
Is it a defect to be a fixer? It took me a while to figure out (and I still struggle with this one) that there is a fine line between fixing and manipulating. In the serenity prayer, I ask God to give me the courage to change the things I can, but I have had to realize that just because I can change something, it does not necessarily follow that I should.
In treatment, I learned my discharge date was two days after my daughter’s birthday. I knew I needed to be in treatment and I trusted that God was working his will through treatment, but when I learned that I would miss my daughter’s birthday, I realize God could not be trusted with some details. I needed to fix it.
That birthday and those two days became symbolic of my greater battle between God’s way and Scott’s way. I knew that I needed to be home for that birthday so I went to work on those in charge. In the end, I was just banging my head against a wall and I did not get my way. I do not know that anything magical happened in those two extra days except that finally I relented and allowed God to be God in my life. I would love to be able to say I have done it perfectly ever since, but it seems to be a lesson that I have had to learn repeatedly.
I cannot compare my daughter’s birthday episode to Christ’s suffering but the point of this passage is that I, like Christ, need to entrust my entire life to God. Christ trusted God with everything in life up to and including death, so there is really nothing in this life, including my daughter’s birthday, that I can claim control over.
For a builder, fixer and doer, this presents a quandary. If you have read any of my writings, you know that I do not believe that I am to just sit back and let the Christian life come to me. I am supposed to do, pursue and act. So, how do I know when to work on something and when to stop toiling? For me, it is usually as simple as asking if this is something God wants or something Scott wants. Are my eyes on Scott or on God? If I am pursuing Scott’s will only, I am manipulating life to turn out how I see fit. If my eyes are on God and I am truly pursuing him, then I am building the spirit life.
Of course, I can fool myself into thinking that God wants me to be home for my daughter’s birthday. This is obviously God’s will. He must be too busy to work on it, so I will have to take over from here. I will fix it… So, I still struggle with this one and I still need to ask for wisdom. I need to daily work to pursue God’s will instead of Scott’s will.