Finding My Identity

He spoke to them according to the counsel of the young men, saying, “My father made your yoke heavy, but I will add to your yoke. My father disciplined you with whips, but I will discipline you with scorpions.” 1 Kings 12:14

Early in my teens, I felt like my peers had all achieved some sense of who they were, while I was lost, desperately seeking my own identity. I watched my friends and, unable to come up with anything original, I tried to copy those I thought were winning at life. I can clearly remember admiring the confidence of one guy who got a lot of laughs by making fun of everyone. For him, being mean was funny, and it worked. If someone mocked me, I’d hang my head, wearing my hurt feelings on my sleeve. For this guy though, if someone mocked him, he’d just laugh and say something worse in return. Nothing bothered him and everyone laughed at his cruel jokes.

So, I went through my own mean-is-funny phase. It didn’t go well because I simply wasn’t good at it and it made me feel terrible about myself. For me, being cruel wasn’t funny. It was just awkward and unkind. I wanted to fit in, finding my own sense of identity. That wasn’t wrong. I went wrong rather, in how I tried to get there. Mean isn’t funny. It’s just mean.

Though it’s not an identical situation, today’s passage tells of a similar crisis of identity for King Rehoboam. In the story, when Solomon died and his son Rehoboam assumed the throne, the people came, beseeching him to lighten the load of taxes and service that his father had required. They promised to serve him faithfully if he would just show a little grace. Rehoboam, craving respect and power, refused to bend. Instead, he informed them that he was going to be even more demanding than his father. Rehoboam’s desire to be respected as king wasn’t wrong. Rather, he went wrong in how he tried to get there. Instead of earning his people’s love and respect, he demanded it with cruelty and malice. Painfully, Rehoboam discovered that his people had options, as they revolted and raised their own king.

Any comfort I now have in my identity, doesn’t come from making fun of others or from seeking their affirmation. Rather, in recovery, I’m learning that I find who I am only in striving to be who God made me to be. I don’t do it perfectly, but as I daily seek God’s will, I find that I’m profoundly content with who he wants me to be. I don’t have to be mean. I don’t even have to be funny. To be comfortable in my own skin, I simply need to daily work on being the man God wants me to be.