Redemption My Way

And Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines.” Then he bowed with all his strength, and the house fell upon the lords and upon all the people who were in it. Judges 16:30

When I went off to treatment for my drug addiction, I left a disaster at home, and I honestly wasn’t sure that I’d return to an intact family. Racked with shame and guilt, I was obsessed with the damage I’d done to my relationship with my wife and kids. So, I prayed, asking God for restoration. I was going to seek recovery, return to my faith, and find redemption. Redemption, in my mind, was a very specific event.

Before my life fell apart, we had a family trip planned. Redemption to me, meant that my wife would have a radical change of heart, pick me up from treatment, and we’d all fly off on that vacation together as if nothing had ever happened. I prayed for and expected this, but the time for that vacation came and went and my version of redemption never materialized. Deflated, I had to accept that even though God had forgiven me, and that even though I was living in recovery, my life couldn’t proceed as if nothing happened. Even in forgiveness, my destructive behavior had permanent consequences that weren’t fixable. The loss of that family vacation may seem trivial now, but at the time, it made me realize that some things are lost forever.

This is the lesson of today’s passage. In the story, Samson’s secret to his strength (his long hair) was betrayed by Delilah to the Philistines who shaved his head in his sleep, allowing them to subdue him. Gouging out his eyes, the Philistines imprisoned Samson. Over time though, his hair regrew. When the Philistines paraded Samson at a feast to mock him, Samson sought redemption. Though he’d once followed his lustful appetite to his destruction, he finally returned to God. Redemption didn’t mean that he got his eyes or his previous life back. Those things were gone forever. God did empower him though, to push over the two pillars of the structure, killing 3,000 of Israel’s enemies in the collapse. Samson’s redemption and freedom from slavery came only in his own death.

The beautiful message of the gospel is that forgiveness is always available when we turn to Christ. No matter what we’ve done, we can be restored to a right relationship with God and we may find redemption. The temptation though, is to think that we can live however we want now, ask forgiveness later, and that all will be restored. The lesson of Samson, however, is that even though we can return to God, finding redemption, that doesn’t mean life will go on as if nothing ever happened. We may know forgiveness and we may find redemption, but in our self-destructive pursuits, we can also break some things that will never be fixed in this life. Some losses are permanent.