Stupid Marriage Fights

The men of Ephraim were called to arms, and they crossed to Zaphon and said to Jephthah, “Why did you cross over to fight against the Ammonites and did not call us to go with you? We will burn your house over you with fire.” Judges 12:1

Last year my wife and I were visiting our daughter in college, when we drove by one of the campus buildings, which appeared to be named after some German fellow. I tried to read the strange name aloud – Bjorn Wrebles. Bior Newrbels? I was struggling to make sense of it, when my wife said – It’s pronounced Bio-Renewables. I felt stupid. In that moment, I had a split-second choice to make. Wounded by my own stupidity, my pride could have reared its ugly head. Or, I could just laugh at myself. Thankfully, I could see the truth – I did sound absurd and it was really funny. We had a good laugh about it then and we still laugh about it now.

I’ve done the exact opposite though. Being a physician, I think I know everything, and I find myself engaging in the dumbest arguments, simply because I need to be right. We once got in a huge fight over remembering the color of painter’s tape that I’d previously used on a project. I remembered that I’d used green tape. My wife remembered that it was blue. We both knew we were right and neither of us was going to back down. In the grand scheme of our marriage, the color of that tape meant absolutely nothing, but in that moment, I needed to be right.

Today’s passage is about pride and the ridiculous conflicts it causes. In the story, Jephthah led Israel’s military in a successful campaign against the Ammonites. Afterwards, the men from another Israeli tribe – Ephraim – took offense. They’d apparently not been invited to take part in Jephthah’s military campaign and so, they felt excluded from the glory of the victory. They were on the same side, but because of their wounded pride, they provoked a civil war. In the end, Ephraim was defeated and lost many of its men, simply because of stupid pride.

When wounded, my pride poisons my thoughts, convincing me that I must fight to defend it. Nowhere is easier to do than at home. It is my stupid pride that needed to be right about that painter’s tape. It is my stupid pride that still generates conflict with my wife today when I must be proven right. If I desire healthy marriage though, then daily, I must choose humility. Defending my pride has rarely improved my relationship with my wife. Whereas laughing at myself and admitting my absurdity leads to kindness, laughter, and harmony. A healthy marriage has little room for my stupid pride.