Self-Esteem

Only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success wherever you go. Joshua 1:7

When I was a kid, I loved eating – I still do – and so, I was a little rotund. Occasionally, other kids would taunt me for my weight, which was devastating to my self-esteem. Like most kids, I spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about what my peers thought of me. And, like most kids, I found a significant amount of my value, or lack thereof, in the opinion of others. I was a people-pleaser, seeing my worth through the eyes of those around me.

This lack of self-esteem persisted into adulthood and was exacerbated by my drug addiction. In my addiction, I struggled with self-loathing and so I already had a dreadfully low opinion of myself. Because I harbored this terrible secret though, I was constantly worrying about how much others knew. This caused me to obsess about how everyone viewed me. Paradoxically, I did a lot of good things back then, just to make others think I was a good person. If I could fool everyone else, I felt better about myself. I was a slave to my drugs, but I was also a slave to my desperate need for affirmation from the world.

In working on today’s passage, I’ve realized that I honestly don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the opinion of others anymore. In recovery, as I’ve made a genuine daily effort to abandon my way for God’s, a natural byproduct has been that I have a confidence that comes from attempting to align myself with God’s will. With God on my side – or rather, I’m on his side – then I don’t really need to fear anything. I can be strong and courageous, knowing that I’m daily trying to live as God desires, and that it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

There’s a danger here that is illustrated in today’s passage. I enjoy the confidence of God’s presence as long as I walk with him. The temptation though, is to assume that God is always on my side no matter what I do. This confidence can easily become an arrogance that deludes me into thinking that I’m always right. It is possible to go my own way, abandoning God, while falsely believing that God is on my side.

Daily then, it’s my job to keep myself on God’s side. He walks with me as I walk with him. If I desire to continue to enjoy the confidence of his presence, then I must daily find my value in being obedient to his will. Then, it truly doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me.