Disappointment: Part Two

I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.  Deuteronomy 5:9-10

For anyone new to the blog, I write daily about my own struggles with faith and recovery. In a drug addiction, I wrecked my life. In following God instead of myself though, he’s transformed my mess, using my failures to help others who struggle similarly. Being sober however, doesn’t mean no more problems. So, you get to read about the stuff I’m going through. Well, here’s my current struggle:

As you may know, right now I’m missing out – due to a fluke illness – on what was supposed to be the biggest CrossFit competition of my life so far. I love to compete, and I’ve been training for this for months, so yesterday, as I watched the competition live on YouTube, I found my frustration growing.  I should be there. Why this illness now, God? Incidentally, yesterday also brought the discovery of a leaking pipe in our home. It was an easy fix, but my wife observed that if we’d have been at the competition all weekend, we’d have come home to a destructive mess. I don’t think my wife was trying to draw any theological conclusions, but I seized on it, attempting to attach some meaning to my disappointment. Did cause my illness so that I could be here to fix that leaking pipe?

In desperation to make sense of it, I want there to be a specific reason for my loss. If God inflamed my pancreas to save me from that leaking pipe though, he could have simply prevented the leaking pipe. The truth is, we don’t always get an answer to why. I’ve currently got some friends going through things that are so horrific that I don’t know that there ever could be a reason that would make sense. We don’t always get an explanation.

What then am I to do with my disappointment? Does there have to be a reason that makes every loss acceptable? Today’s passage helped me work through this. In it, Moses recounted the 10 commandments, reiterating God’s promise that if his people followed his will, they would find joy and peace. God didn’t promise that they’d never experience trials. He simply promised that he’d walk with them, providing authentic life and joy despite life’s trials.

In my disappointment then, I must examine my life, asking if I’m living I should. When life is easy, I’m unmotivated to change. James taught though, that God uses my trials to shape me into who he wants me to be (James 1:2-4). The passage doesn’t teach that God causes every trial for a specific reason. I’m guaranteed no answer to why. My job though, in any loss, is to go to God, asking how he wants me to respond. What do you want me to do with this God? I can make healthy or unhealthy choices in my disappointment. If I desire to experience joy and peace, despite the trials, then I must go to God, asking what the right response is – then I must do it.