Do I Live As I Claim to Believe?

If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. Numbers 30:2

I thought he was a good guy, only to find out he had this terrible secret life. Hypocrite. No integrity. I think those were the feelings of many when they first learned of my addiction. Ten years ago this week, I lost my job as my darkest secret became public knowledge. That was a tough week, but it didn’t start there of course. My dishonesty began years before as I began engaging in behavior that I knew to be self-destructive. Because I understood my drug use was wrong, I felt compelled to hide it and lie about it. I wanted to be a man of integrity, but I wanted drugs more and so, I sacrificed my integrity, becoming a person who said he believed on thing, but who then lived in a manner completely contrary to those beliefs. My integrity was one of the first casualties of my addiction. When others learned of it, they appropriately found me hypocritical and unworthy of trust.

Recovery then, has meant daily striving to live as I claim to believe. Do my actions match my words? I believe that I should follow God’s will for my life. When others look at my life, is that what they see, or do they still see someone who simply follows himself?

Integrity is the theme of today’s passage. In it, God instructed that his people must live as they spoke. If they said they were going to do something, they must keep their word. If they claimed to follow God, they must live like it. Integrity is an indispensable virtue. Hypocrisy is a profound evil. God chose the Israelites to be his representatives on Earth and he knew that nothing would make them as much of a laughingstock as if they claimed to follow God, but then followed themselves. Integrity matters to God.

This, of course, isn’t just about drugs. I can be sober and still be prideful, petty, deceitful, and selfish. Daily then, the challenge for me is to look at my yesterday, asking if I lived as I claim to believe. Then, I must strive to correct my mistakes, living today with integrity. If I say I follow God but live for myself, I’m a hypocrite, just like in my drug use. That’s not who I want to be, but integrity doesn’t come naturally. Daily, if I want a life of integrity, I must purposefully choose behavior that is consistent with that which I claim to believe.