How Would You Feel If I Did That?

If anyone injures his neighbor, as he has done it shall be done to him, fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth; whatever injury he has given a person shall be given to him. Leviticus 24:19-20

In my addiction, I made impulsive, reckless choices, not considering the cost to me and my loved ones. In the disastrous consequences, my exasperated wife accused me of never thinking about her when I made decisions. She was right. I just did whatever I wanted, not considering the ramifications for either of us. Recovery then, has meant learning to consider the cost of every choice. What are the consequences of this action? How would it affect my wife? Instead of simply asking what I want right now, I’ve had to learn to weigh the outcome of a thing. Where to do I want our marriage to be tomorrow? Does this help us get there? Is this thing healthy or destructive?

Even in recovery for several years now, I still wrestle with being selfish. So, occasionally, when I’ve done something hurtful, my wife must prod me a little. How would you feel if I did that? The question is a good reminder to consider the cost. Instead of angrily accusing me of doing something hurtful, my wife’s question causes me to weigh the consequences, practicing empathy. It’s a question that we’ve found has been extremely helpful in our marriage. We could just get mad at each other for hurtful behavior. Or we can try to help the other person understand how a hurtful behavior makes us feel. Willingness to put ourselves in the other’s position has been a significant step towards a more mature, healthy marriage.

Consider the cost. Though it wasn’t specifically about marriage, that’s the message of today’s passage for me. In it, God outlined a painfully practical system of justice. If one Israelite broke another’s arm, the offender’s arm must be broken too. God was teaching his people to think forward, not just about right now, but about consequence and the future. How would I like it if that same thing were done to me?

This is a healthy question to ask in any relationship. How would I like to be treated? How would I feel if the same thing were done to me? The sociopath, unable to empathize, disregards consequence and the feelings of those around him. The emotionally healthy, mature individual however, considers the cost to others. How would I like it if this were done to me? This isn’t necessarily natural for us to do, so, if we desire the lives God intended for us, we must daily choose to consider how our actions affect those around us.