Where is God?

Philippians 2:12 Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling . . .

God, why won’t you help me? I have asked you again and again to fix me and you remain silent. Where are you? Do you not care or am I not your child?

Strangely, it was my own defects which led me to question my faith. In my toxic behavior, I came to hate what I was doing as it was so contrary to the faith I claimed. I blamed God for this bitter internal struggle. I begged him to change me a thousand times. He did not.

In my addiction and recurrent destructive behavior, I desperately needed to understand if I knew God. Was I even a Christian? I knew Jesus’ words about those who thought they knew him but did not, Depart from me, you cursed (Matt. 25:41). When I asked, Where is God, I was actually asking Where am I in relation to him?

In my crisis of faith, I remembered today’s verse and finally came to understand its meaning. Faith is not automatic and a right relationship to God is not assumed. There are those who think they know God who do not. In retrospect, I believe that I did know God, but in my wandering, I was right to question the nature of the relationship.

I am not alone in my questioning. Many of us have known the despair of begging God to deliver from circumstance or defect, only to hear nothing. Why God? Where are you?

In working out my own salvation with fear and trembling, I came to see the faithlessness of my previous prayers. In my addiction, I told God that I would have faith in him if He did what I wanted. I sat on the couch, asking God to do the heavy lifting. To this, God said, Get off your butt and obey. Then, and only then, will you see what I can do in you. I thought faith meant that I asked God to do for me, but faith is obeying when God asks me to do. Jesus did not work in the lives of the faithless who demanded that he prove himself. He moved in those who showed their faith by their action.

It was not until I confessed, faced my consequences, went to treatment and pursued God that he began to change me. No one else could do this for me. I had to decide for myself if I wanted a relationship with God. I did not feel him draw near to me until I did what it took to draw near to him.

I still have numerous defects, but as God is daily working in me, I no longer have to ask where He is.