The Faith-Killer

1 Peter 5:5 Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.

I imagine that if you only knew me from my writing, you may think me humble. I speak of my defects freely, giving the impression of humility. It is easy enough to speak of something when it happened two years ago. If you bring up the mistakes I made yesterday however, my pride may react very differently. Even when my defects are on display for everyone to see, my flesh nature can find some way to be prideful about it. Look at how far I have come since then. Look at my recovery. Look at me. I, my, me… My foolish pride can turn anything into a reason to focus on me. This is of course painful and ugly, but still, I keep doing it.

Pride is lethal to my faith. It is in my pride that I turn my back on God and tell him that I am going to do it my way. Peter says that when I do this, I am choosing hostility towards God as God opposes the proud. God hates my pride, as it is the consummation of giving into the seduction of my flesh nature, following self as god. That which I follow above all else becomes my god and it infuriates God when I usurp his throne.

When I look at God and tell him that I am going to do it my way, I sit on his throne and I suffer the consequences. Open rebellion and opposition to God is not something we can engage in and walk away from unscathed. There will always be consequences when I follow self.  Fire may not rain down from heaven, but I will injure myself and those around me when I oppose God.

Humility in all things is a prayer that I have to whisper to myself over and over every day. It seems that even though I am trying to keep my eyes on God, my flesh nature is a constant gravity, seducing my gaze. When I encounter any conflict, it is my first reaction to be irritated by how this affects my will, not God’s. When tempted, my first instinct is to think of what I want, not what God wants. I, me, my, mine… It is easy to pass this off as normal, and in a sense, it is, but that does not make it right. My flesh nature may be my natural state, but it is a condition that is opposed to God.

I do not want to live in this state of me, hostile to God. I do not want to sit on his throne, so daily, I will work to keep my focus on God.