And Elijah said to her, “Do not fear; go and do as you have said. But first make me a little cake of it and bring it to me, and afterward make something for yourself and your son.” 1 Kings 17:13
I’ve always worried that my doubt diminishes or disqualifies my faith, making it meaningless. There are, of course, Bible verses that make me feel this way. James, the brother of Jesus, said that if we lack wisdom, we should ask God but that we must ask without any doubt (James 1:6). Likewise, the author of Hebrews stated that without faith, it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6). Because I still have my moments of doubt, I’ve often worried that I just don’t have the kind of faith that God intends.
Through my addiction though, I began to see faith differently. Living in active addiction meant that I didn’t walk by faith but rather, by my appetite, following me above all. This led to tremendous loss and pain. In that loss and pain, I became desperate to turn my life around – to live by faith – which meant making a daily effort to abandon my way to follow God’s. Still, I had my doubts. What if I follow God but I still don’t get my job or family back? What other choice did I have though? Continuing to use drugs would have guaranteed failure. So, even though I had my doubts about the outcome, I followed God.
Today’s passage reveals that faith isn’t measured by the absence of doubt, but rather by the presence of obedience. In the story, Elijah asked the widow at Zarephath to feed him. Suffering under famine and drought though, this widow barely had enough to feed her son one last meal. Still, Elijah asked her to live by faith – Make some bread for me too. You will have enough (my paraphrase). I’d bet the woman doubted. Still, she obeyed. The widow’s actions revealed her faith, as she obeyed . . . even while doubting the outcome. God was pleased and rewarded her faith accordingly – The jar of flour was not spent, neither did the jug of oil become empty, according to the word of the LORD that he spoke by Elijah (1 Kings 17:16).
In recovery, I’ve learned that faith isn’t figuring out how to banish all doubt from my mind, but rather, faith is being obedient to God even when I have doubts about the outcome. Faith is measured, not by the absence of any doubt in my thoughts, but by my obedience, revealed in my behavior. Faith is following God even when – especially when – I don’t know what is going to happen.