And they did all that the king commanded. And after that God responded to the plea for the land. 2 Samuel 21:14
I wrote yesterday about making amends, which is something I needed to do for my own recovery. This involved me admitting I was wrong, me offering an apology, me taking responsibility, and me making restitution. These are all me-statements. Amends is something I must do, and it doesn’t require that the offended person respond in any particular way. Those offended may not accept my apology or forgive, but all I’m responsible for is my own attempt to make amends. Amends is not the same as reconciliation. The hope is that amends may lead to reconciliation with those I hurt in my addiction, but reconciliation requires that both parties participate, working towards the goal.
For instance, amends to my wife would have meant me taking responsibility for my addiction, apologizing, changing my behavior, and trying to make restitution. That could have happened if she stayed with me or is she divorced me. Reconciliation however, required us both to work on our relationship. It involved forgiveness, but it also required that we address the hurts of the past. It would not have helped us to just forgive and forget, sweeping my past toxic behavior under the rug. No, my addiction had to be addressed, and my behavior had to radically change. For reconciliation to occur, we had to both want to heal the relationship, and we had to address the injuries of the past.
This is illustrated in today’s passage, in which Israel was distanced from God for a past failure. Their relationship couldn’t be restored to its former status, in which Israel enjoyed God’s blessings, until Israel repented, changed its ways, and made things right. Israel never lost their status as God’s chosen people, but they did distance themselves from God when they sinned and to achieve restoration and reconciliation, they had to repent and change their ways. The sins of the past had to be addressed.
When we find ourselves in conflict with friends, family, and coworkers over past injuries, it’s our job to do our part to act rightly. For some hurts that have been done to us, that may mean forgiving, while distancing ourselves from that person, maintaining boundaries for our own good. When we have caused the hurt however, we must make amends. We cannot force reconciliation though. That requires that both parties be willing to address and work through the hurts of the past. This isn’t always possible, but if we’ve been the ones who’ve done the hurting – and we need to be painfully honest about our part in the conflict – reconciliation shouldn’t fail because of us.