And her brother Absalom said to her, “Has Amnon your brother been with you? Now hold your peace, my sister. He is your brother; do not take this to heart.” So Tamar lived, a desolate woman, in her brother Absalom’s house. 2 Samuel 13:20
I don’t like the fast-food drive-thru for many reasons, but one of them is that my order gets messed up about 50% of the time. By the time I drive away and realize I got the wrong burger though, it’s too late. I’m stuck with that burger . . . and probably no fries. The reason I say I’m stuck with the wrong order is that I’m simply not going back to complain. I didn’t want to go through the drive-thru in the first place and I’m definitely not going to go back a second time to fix the problem. I don’t like making waves and I don’t like complaining. I’d rather just eat the wrong burger . . . and I didn’t need those fries anyway. My wife, however, would appropriately go back. She wouldn’t be rude. She would simply address the mistake and ask that it be fixed. Me? I’d just move on and pretend nothing happened.
This may be amusing at the drive-thru, but it can be a profoundly unhealthy behavior when applied to larger conflicts. I’m not alone though. Many of us would prefer to simply sweep mistakes, injuries, and offenses under the rug. This was illustrated in today’s passage, which tells of the aftermath of Amnon’s (King David’s son) rape of his half-sister Tamar. After the event, Tamar went to her brother, Absalom, who deduced what had happened. Absalom was angry at Amnon, later killing him for the offense, but at the time, he dismissed Tamar’s feelings, simply telling her to keep quiet and not to worry about it.
I’m sure there are cultural differences that I can’t appreciate, but I can’t imagine this was healthy for Tamar. She’d just been raped by her half-brother. She needed support and likely wanted justice. She got neither. Rather, she was told to keep her mouth shut and pretend it never happened. The passage goes on to say that she lived out her days in loneliness as a desolate woman.
I’m not excusing Absalom’s indifference, but I do understand it. Often, it’s just easier to pretend that nothing happened. Inaction though, is its own sin when, like Absalom, I sweep someone else’s pain under the rug. It’s a profoundly selfish thing to avoid discomfort at another’s expense. In doing so, I sacrifice the needs of the other at the altar of self. If it’s my order that’s ruined at the drive-thru, it’s one thing to let it go. If it’s my wife’s order that’s ruined, then it’s wrong for me to avoid inconvenience at her expense.