Then he called quickly to the young man his armor-bearer and said to him, “Draw your sword and kill me, lest they say of me, ‘A woman killed him.’” Judges 9:54
In my addiction, I desperately desired to control the narrative of my life. I wanted to keep my dark secret a secret, while promoting the good doctor image. I didn’t want anyone, including my wife and kids, to know the real me because the real me was hopelessly addicted to opioids. So, I sucked in my gut, put on my best smile, and prayed that no one would find out about my addiction. My addiction did come to light of course. In that discovery, my facade was shattered as the image that I desired to project fractured into a thousand pieces. I just couldn’t control the narrative forever. Who I was eventually spilled out so that everyone could see who I truly was.
Today’s passage tells of a similar attempt to manipulate reputation. In the story, Abimelech tried to manage his own legacy, right up to his well-earned death. Abimelech had risen to power through violence, but as king, he knew nothing but rebellion. Using violence to maintain his fragile grip on power, he attacked those who defied him. In the end, those he pursued hid in a tower and when he went to burn the door to that tower, a woman threw down a stone, fracturing his skull. Lucid enough to know he was dying, Abimelech commanded his armor-bearer to kill him so that his legacy wouldn’t end at the hands a woman. The young man complied, but that didn’t save Abimelech’s reputation. We now know that a woman killed Abimelech and that he was foolish enough to worry about that particular detail at the end of his life. Who Abimelech was is apparent to anyone reading his story. He was a monster who lived and died by violence, killing his own brothers to assume power. That was his legacy.
In recovery now, I recognize that it’s not my job to manipulate everyone else into thinking that I’m the man I want to be. My daily job is simply to be the man I want to be. Who I am will eventually seep out so that those around me will know exactly who and what I am. I’m not responsible for what others think. I’m responsible only for me. In daily following God, becoming the man I’m supposed to be, my reputation takes care of itself.