And he said to him, “If now I have found favor in your eyes, then show me a sign that it is you who speak with me.” Judges 6:17
When I write, I sometimes used phrases like, God told me to follow him. Now I’ve never heard an audible voice from God, but still, I’ve been completely convinced that he’s spoken to me. Well, almost completely. I’ve had my doubts. What if this is all just a fantasy or a psychologic byproduct of my upbringing? So, I’ve gone to God, asking him to provide confirmation of his reality and of his will in my life. I need to know that you’re real and that you’re speaking to me. Please show yourself to me. If I’m going to base my entire life on something, I would like to be absolutely convinced that it’s not all part of my overactive imagination.
Gideon found himself in this place of doubt in today’s passage. In the story, as the Israelites suffered under the oppression of Midian, God planned to use Gideon to deliver his people. God sent his angel to inform Gideon of the plan, but Gideon was dubious – Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father’s house (Judges 6:15). The angel assured Gideon that God was with him, but still, Gideon wanted some proof – Show me a sign that it is you who speak with me. Gideon then made a meal for the angel, who verified his divine power by consuming the meal with supernatural fire.
For me, the story is reassuring that I’m not the only one who doubts. It’s also reassuring that God didn’t seem angered by Gideon’s doubt. Most of us have been there. God, if you’re real, flicker the lights. We trust that which we can experience with our five senses and God doesn’t fit in that category, so naturally, we have doubts.
In my addiction, God didn’t show me supernatural fire, and his revelation of himself didn’t come before I stepped out in faith. Authentic faith though, isn’t the absence of doubt. In fact, the most authentic faith is practiced by doing what God asks, despite the doubt. So, with no lightning from heaven, I did as God asked. I went to treatment. I changed my life. I made a daily attempt to abandon myself to follow him.
Looking back, I can now see all the proof I require – My transformed life. I’m far from perfect, but if I look back at the disaster of 10 years ago and compare it to my life today, that’s all the evidence I need of God’s existence. He saved me from myself, and today, my life is infinitely better for following God’s will than for following mine.